This Old House, Glaser Edition: Lessons Learned at Universal Studios Part I

We interrupt this house blog with a brief message about our trip to Universal Studios. We met up with the nephews and their cousins at Universal Studios for two full days packed with excitement. Here are our lessons learned from our visit to the Islands of Adventure theme park:

Lesson 1 Do not expect to have free Internet as an amenity if you stay at the pricey hotels at Universal Studios (*ahem* Hard Rock Hotel). Even if you do have Internet, expect to get behind in blogging due to sheer exhaustion if there are any teenagers in your party. Parental exhaustion is directly proportional to the number of teenagers present. Wear anything other than dependable running shoes at your own risk.

Lesson 2 Speaking of running shoes . . . if you lack proper footwear for running, wear some with laces you can tie tightly, preferably with double knots. Failure to do so will result in unexpected loss of flip-flops, loafers, and clogs on rides like The Incredible Hulk Coaster. We do not speak from personal experience, but witnessed evidence first hand. Double click the image to the left for a better view.

Lesson 3 Do not try rides like this early in the morning, especially in the winter. Be suspicious when teenagers try to convince you that you will not get too wet. Based on our experience, consider the following rides suspect no matter how much said teenagers beg you to ride: Dudley Do-Right's Ripsaw Falls and Jurassic Park River Adventure. They were kind enough to warn us that Popeye & Bluto's Bilge-Rat Barges really will get you wet!

Lesson 4 If you are tempted to ignore the previous lesson, take off your sweatshirts, jackets, and sweaters and leave them with someone with a weak stomach. Better yet, wear a cheap, hooded plastic poncho for better protection. Our experience is that T-shirts dry faster than sweaters and sweatshirts. If you fail the last lesson, expect to either spend time waiting for your clothing to dry or fork out $50 per sweatshirt when the sun sets and hypothermia begins to degrade your financial wisdom.

Lesson 5 Know your limits. Previous excursions to theme parks have resulted in unexpected loss of lunch for Tammy and nearly so for Steve. While Steve can handle up and down motion, spinning will undo him. Tammy can ride mild rides, but nothing with continuous, unstoppable, lurching, dizzying movement. When in doubt, team up with families with adults who have iron clad stomachs. Because we mastered this lesson before arriving, no one had to return to the hotel for a change of clothes!

Lesson 6 If you have a queasy stomach or are too short for some rides, be prepared to wait. Stretch your imagination in thinking of entertaining conversations to humor those who cannot ride. Steel yourself for signs of the poochie lip disease and rolling eyes for those tired of waiting. Buying an Express Plus Pass for all is well worth the money! You still have to manage short lines, but you will see fewer pouty faces.

Lesson 7 According to the web page about Doctor Doom's Fearfall, "the initial launch at the beginning of the ride uses more thrust than a 747 jet engine and accelerates faster than the space shuttle." Feel free to draw your own conclusions about this one, which are obvious to the most casual observer!

Lesson 8 Expect to cramp up horribly if you stupidly schedule a long drive after two days of moving boxes and furniture and cleaning house. While following teenagers all over the park can help loosen up the calves, nothing will prevent tired and achy feet, especially if you ignored the first lesson.

Lesson 9 If you have extreme fans of Dr. Seuss with you, expect difficulty in extracting them from Seuss Landing, followed by dazed, dreamy expressions as you walk through the park. Our definition of extreme fandom is owning a copy of nearly all the books in the picture below, memorizing all information contained about every Dr. Seuss cartoon ever made that can be found at IMDb, and repeatedly watching and discussing DVDs like The Hoober-Bloob Highway and The Lorax in more detail than you ever wanted to know.